my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize