dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
