You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she was so not down for the gang bang
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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