Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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