i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
