im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
