so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
