NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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