Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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