If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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