dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
