I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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