I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
