I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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