I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
