At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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