Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Nobody cheats on THIS.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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