Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
