Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
