i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
