I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
