Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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