Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
