I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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