you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
