I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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