3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
