I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
