he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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