I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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