i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
