this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
