I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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