one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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