Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
