Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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