if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
