I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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