Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
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