Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
