Porn is love you can see.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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