Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
