So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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