dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
