I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
this just has baby written all over it
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
