Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
