Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
