I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
