this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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