it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
