I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
