i just snorted my name. best moment ever
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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