But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
