Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
